


Ashes and Wine

by Phoenix_Falls, w00t4ewan



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Harsh Language, Maybe mild violence?, So much angst, Someone gets the taste slapped out of their mouth is what I'm saying, really mild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 04:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4125957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Falls/pseuds/Phoenix_Falls, https://archiveofourown.org/users/w00t4ewan/pseuds/w00t4ewan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emily's insecurities about herself and her past threaten to tear her relationship with JJ apart and emotionally destroy them both</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ashes and Wine

**Author's Note:**

> Basically an emotional (and lengthy) angstcanon conversation became the outline for a one-shot. It's not edited so apologies for any glaring grammar/spelling mistakes

Emily didn’t make a habit of lying; she _hated_ lying. She wasn’t a liar unless a fabrication needed to be told to save someone. Emily _absolutely_ didn’t make a habit of lying to _JJ_ …but she had. Emily had told the biggest, most painful lie to Jennifer in the entire two and a half years they’d known each other, nevermind the nearly nine months they’d been dating. Emily told JJ she didn’t love her anymore, that they wouldn’t work anymore. Emily wasn’t a liar unless a fabrication needed to be told to save someone and she wanted, _needed_ to save JJ. She hadn’t wanted to lie to JJ, almost everything in her had protested rather violently to the prospect and Emily had held back for almost a month, but it had been necessary. She wanted desperately for JJ to be happy and Emily knew that as much as she wanted it, it wasn’t going to be with her.

They’d been on a case in New Orleans when Emily knew that it was time. She saw the way that detective looked at her, at the way JJ smiles back at him…the softness to her features while they spoke over coffee in the station break room and knew it was time to let her go. She’d been selfish enough in their relationship as it was, she knew that she wasn’t good enough for JJ and that she deserved _so_ much better and _so_ much more than what Emily was capable of but god, love— _real_ love she could feel igniting her very bones—made her stupid and careless, made her get into a relationship she had no business in because she couldn’t not take the opportunity. She was selfish when it came to JJ for too long and all Emily wanted was the best for her.

She knew JJ loved her, was in love with her, but she had a shot at happiness so much more profound than what Emily felt she could provide. She wanted JJ to be with someone who made her feel the way Emily felt when she was with the blonde. She _had_ to let her go but she couldn’t deal with JJ loving her knowing that she could do better so she had to hurt her. Hurt both of them. It had nearly broken her to do it. Emily could only make the lie convincing by refusing to meet JJ’s gaze but the blonde hadn’t noticed because her tone had been convincing. It was certain and utterly final, Emily could hardly believe her voice was her own and she wished she’d been telling the truth because JJ had fallen apart. JJ was on her hands and knees begging her to stay, that they could work on whatever had gone wrong, but Emily stood firm. She could never be JJ’s happiness and it wasn’t fair to keep her trapped just because JJ was _her_ happiness. JJ would come to see that in time and she would move on. She could be _so_ happy, so incredibly happy and that’s all Emily wanted for her. She would find that with someone. With Will, that detective who looked at her like he could see the future and made her smile so softly and sweetly.

Emily’s incredibly low opinion of herself and the resulting inability to understand what someone like JJ could _possibly_ get out of being with someone like _her_ had convinced her that brokenhearted though she was, she’d done the right thing. She didn’t know that she had been horribly, _terribly_ wrong. Emily had been wrong about Will. Well, she hadn’t really misinterpreted his intentions, but she certainly had misread JJ’s response. He had a kind of pain in his eyes from the loss of his father that spoke to JJ. She felt bad for him. She had recognized that same look in her own eyes often enough; but that was before. The time before Emily, before she found what true happiness and true love really felt like, before she felt like she truly belonged in the world.

Emily had placed everything she’d ever wanted in her hands and then suddenly she was jerking it out of her grasp. Where had she gone wrong? What signs had she missed? Had she been so blinded by her feelings for Emily that she assumed the brunette was as blissful as she was? They’d been together a while, they’d had plenty of arguments before but  _nothing_ like that. JJ had thought when Emily said that they needed to talk that they were going to discuss moving in together. After all, she was more or less moved into Emily’s condo as it was, she only really ever went home to pick up her mail but instead of making plans to move forward, Emily was telling her she didn’t love her and there was nothing to work on because they were over.

JJ felt more broken than she had with any lover things had ended with in the past. Emily was supposed to be her forever. Emily _was_ her forever and it shattered her that she wasn’t hers. Shattered her not into a million pieces—at least with that there was the hope that she could put herself back together—but she felt shattered into a fine powder that was fit only to blow away on the winds of uncertainty, confusion, and hurt. All the oxygen had left JJ’s body when Emily had told her she didn’t love her and it had been refusing to return. Every day, things seemed to get worse. She couldn’t get comfortable in her own house because Emily’s had been what she thought of when someone said ‘home’ for so long. She fell asleep crying most nights and woke up with a stiff neck because she slept on the couch; her bed felt like an empty expanse that she couldn’t find rest in so after a week, she’d given up trying to sleep there altogether.

Having to work together was a peculiar kind of torture. They’d worked together during rough patches before and it was hard because they were usually angry, but they had been allowed to maintain their relationship with the understanding that it wasn’t going to destroy the team’s ability to remain a cohesive unit. This was different though, so much different. JJ could barely look at Emily without wanting to beg for answers—for ways she went wrong. Everything was hard. Being at work was hard, being at home was hard…JJ had never felt like she’d gone over an emotional edge she couldn’t come back from, but she often wondered if that was what she was feeling.

William LaMontagne Jr. had actually been a big help. JJ hadn’t fully comprehended his attraction to her until after Emily left her and he’d asked her to dinner when he was going to be in town for the weekend. JJ had made it extremely clear that nothing was ever going to happen between the two of them and Will took the rejection exceedingly well, especially after she opened up a little bit about the breakup. So they became friends. It was nice to have someone to talk and vent to who wasn’t attached to Emily somehow. She loved her family at the BAU and though their devotion to each other had never waivered, no one was sure how to act about topics surrounding their personal lives when it came to this.

JJ recognized that she had slipped into a bit of a depression. Will had made it his mission to try and get her to leave the house for something other than necessity and it took a lot of persistent needling and a few arguments, but _finally_ he was able to get her to go out without flaking out on him. Admittedly, he’d used a little manipulation by telling her he’d had some rough cases and needed a friend, but it was the truth and it was for a good cause. JJ was a sucker for supporting her friends and Will’s issues gave her something to focus on so they’d made plans to meet up for dinner and she actually showed up. They do talk about Will and his struggles at first, but the Southern detective somehow manages to get her to actually talk about Emily and not the painful remembrance of how things ended for once.

He’s somehow managed to get her to talk about much happier times and JJ lets herself get lost in the memories that get brought up when retelling stories and it feels so good to smile and laugh genuinely, to think about Emily without being consumed by confusion, betrayal, and sadness. It will all come back, of course, but for that moment it feels good to be free from the burden of her grief. They’re sitting at a table near the windows of the front of the restaurant and both are focused on the conversation: JJ on her memories and Will on her. The sidewalk in front of the building is crowded, but if either of them cared to scan the mobile throng, they would have seen Emily without much trouble.

Emily hated being at home any more than she had to be. Everything in the condo reminded her of Jennifer and wore at her resolve to sacrifice JJ’s happiness for her own and beg to be forgiven—to just let things play out to their inevitable conclusion: JJ realizing that she needed and deserved more than what Emily could possibly offer her. So she went out a lot, wandering aimlessly around the city, going to the gym, driving with no destination in mind, hoping that every time she stepped through her door that it would feel a little less like her and JJ’s space and more like just her space.

Emily didn’t keep tabs on JJ’s comings and goings, she honestly wasn’t sure she wanted to. Not after noticing that she seemed to be talking to or texting Will a lot. She doesn’t want to know but it seems like the universe had other plans because there is Jennifer having what seems to be a lovely and intimate dinner with that detective. There’s a fond, indulgent grin on Will’s face and JJ is laughing at something. There’s so much love in her expression that Emily has to look away, she has to get out of there. She feels her heart stall and drop in her chest so fast that she feels like she’s actually going to be sick and when she gets back to her car, she just sits in the driver’s seat for a moment with her feet planted on the street and leaning on her elbows just in case she does get sick.

Tears cascade silently down Emily’s face the whole drive home and she only moves to wipe them away when they interfere with her ability to see. She comforts herself with the knowledge that at least Jennifer is happy, that it’s affirmation that she’d done the right thing. Emily is crushed, but her feelings are wholly unimportant in the face of JJ’s happiness. _Real_ happiness. The kind she’s certain she could never provide.

When JJ gets home that night, she’s still wrapped in the armour of the memories of the stories she’s told Will over dinner. It _had_ made her feel better and lifted her spirits but it also fed the feeling that she wanted to talk to Emily. To just hear her say something…anything as long as it wasn’t about work since that was all they spoke about anymore. She knows it’s a terrible idea, that she absolutely shouldn’t, but she can’t seem to help herself, so curled into a ball on the couch, she calls Emily.

Emily is staring distastefully at the contents of her fridge when her phone starts ringing. She ignores it for a moment, knowing that she should eat, but she’s never hungry anymore and has to force herself to and she’s especially not in the mood for food tonight. She sighs when the phone continues to go off and slams the refrigerator door and picks up her cellphone. Seeing JJ’s name, she braces herself when she sees JJ’s name on the screen. Physically braces herself with one hand gripping the edge of the kitchen counter, and takes a deep breath before answering.

“…Emily?” 

JJ’s voice suggests that it wasn’t the first time she’d tried to get her attention and Emily realized she answered the phone without saying anything. She squeezes her eyes shut and forces her voice into detached professionalism. “I’m here.” She clears her throat when she feels like her voice is a little too strained. All she wants to do is break down, but she grips the phone more tightly and keeps her eyes closed. “We have a case?” why else would JJ call her?

“No, I…” she can hear JJ sigh down the line and imagines her running a hand through her hair like she does when she’s anxious. “I just wanted to…” a deep breath that’s let out noisily. “How are you doing? How has your night been?” 

“I’ve been fine.” It’s a lie. It’s a lie almost as big as ‘I don’t love you anymore’ because Emily is so far from fine that she can only vaguely recall what it even is, let alone what it feels like. “I’ve just been home tonight…” another lie. It’s funny how once she’d gotten the huge lie out, a million little ones slipped past her lips with ease. She wonders if JJ’s calling to tell her about Will and she doesn’t want to know but she hears herself ask what JJ’s been up to that night before she can stop herself.

JJ doesn’t want to tell her she’s been out to dinner with Will, there’s nothing going on between her and the detective but friendship but there’s a tiny sliver of hope inside her that Emily will change her mind about them and she doesn’t want to give the brunette any reason to get the wrong idea so she answers; “The same…just been home, catching up on things around the house…” JJ hates how strained this conversation is, how awkward it is to talk to each other but she muscles through it because she misses Emily desperately and if she only wants to be friends right now, that’s at least something. That’s at least more than they’ve been acting around each other.

Emily sucked in a breath, her eyes that had opened at one point and were fixed blankly on the marble tile of her kitchen floor slipping closed as she heard the lie reach her ears. It hurts, it hurts _so goddamn bad_ because Emily _saw_ them. She wants to say something but she doesn’t trust her voice to betray just _why_ it hurts so badly. What would be the point anyway? JJ wasn’t hers. Jennifer had an enormous heart and she wanted ardently to help everyone, to fix things for people. It was one entry on an endless list of things that Emily loved and admired about her but she wouldn’t—couldn’t—allow JJ to be bound to her through that trait. Even now JJ was trying to spare her feelings despite the fact that Emily was the one who didn’t love her. Which was true in a way; what Emily felt for the blonde felt too big for that word.

She doesn’t want to keep going with this conversation, she barely has the emotional capacity to be around JJ at work and she doesn’t trust the wave of selfishness that is threatening to pull her under and take it all back. Emily makes some kind of excuse to get off the phone that she doesn’t even process. Something about needing to call her mother before it gets too late. To anyone who didn’t know her, it would sound as fake as it was, but JJ knew how the Ambassador was and it was a perfectly reasonable pretext, false though it was.

There’s a pregnant pause after JJ says ‘yeah, I understand.’ It’s thick and suffocating with what they’re not saying. They’d not spoken on the phone since the break up except when JJ was calling everyone at an ungodly hour for a case and the strained quiet space where they’re both waiting for something is the space that had always been filled with ‘I love you,’ but of course, neither of them can say it. Emily’s already told Jennifer, _shown_ Jennifer, that she doesn’t love her anymore and JJ had clearly moved on.

“Goodnight, Jen.” Emily broke the silence first. She stops herself from using the other woman’s full name even as she starts to. She knows it’ll betray her and she doesn’t want to complicate JJ’s life, has never wanted that. That was the whole point. She should have hung up immediately after speaking, but she didn’t. Emily didn’t know what she was waiting for, but the hand holding her phone in a death grip and pressed to her ear refuses to move away from its spot and she wishes to god she had hung up because she hears what JJ says.

“I miss you.”

It’s a whisper. It’s softer than a whisper. Emily isn’t sure JJ even knows she’s said it out loud but she knows it would be easy to pretend like she didn’t hear anything, so she does and hangs up. She doesn’t want to hear about how JJ misses their friendship. Emily misses it too, but she could only break things off with JJ by not looking at her, by compartmentalizing huge pieces of herself and _that_ had only been one day. She didn’t have it in her to do that indefinitely. Not yet.

She’s certain JJ is happy and as she decides to forego food in favour of a glass (or four) of wine, Emily knew she needed to start moving on too. She doesn’t want to move on and she’s not entirely sure that she’ll fully be able to, but if she didn’t, she’d only be making things worse for herself. Things would only get worse if she dwelled forever, dwelled long enough to let her feelings canker and fester and poison her with resentment. The very last thing she wanted was to resent the woman around whose sun she orbited. It was asinine and unfair to let herself punish JJ for being happy. She would let herself grieve to the point that she could stuff everything in a mental box, lock it, and throw away the key.

Two weeks after the most awkward and strained conversation JJ has _ever_ had with Emily over the phone, she’s sitting in Garcia’s office during their lunch break picking at the sandwich the hacker insisted she eat at least half of before she’d let her friend leave the lair. She didn’t want to eat, she didn’t care about eating, everything was tasteless now and she ate to keep herself going and that was it. JJ was distracting Garcia from her lack of interest in her food by talking about her anxiousness over an upcoming favour for Will.

Will had a huge adorable dog named Henry that he was incredibly attached to. Henry had been the puppy of his father’s dog so understandably he would feel that way; that dog was the last living connection he had to his father. As a result, Will didn’t trust anyone with the sweet, goofy lab. He’d started dating someone shortly after JJ had firmly made it clear that they were never going to happen and they were getting serious enough to where he wanted to take her away for a long weekend. JJ was incredibly surprised that he trusted her enough to watch Henry and a little touched by his explanation that having the yellow lab around had pulled him through some rough times and he felt that JJ could benefit from Henry’s company as much as he from hers.

JJ was strangely anxious about dog sitting. It’s not like she’d never been around animals before, but Henry meant so much to Will that people joked that the dog was like his child and she didn’t want to screw it up. A tiny part of her questioned if she could properly care about anything anymore.

“That’s Will’s son, Penny.” She was saying, reluctantly taking another bite of her sandwich when her friend gave her a pointed look. “He won’t even let anyone watch Henry overnight at his own house, let alone bring him all the way up here and leave him with me for four days. He’s totally lovable, so of course I adore him and he’s almost seven so he’s low maintenance but it’s so ridiculous how nervous I am about watching him.”

The door to Garcia’s lair had been mostly closed; closed enough to where no one could see in without being pressed against the crack in the door but open enough to where their voices easily carried out into the hall where Emily had been approaching to ask Garcia if she’d left a file behind last time she’d been in her domain. What she was treated to instead was JJ talking about Will’s son and how nervous she was to be taking care of him for a few days. Emily can’t hear anymore and she spins on her heel and all but jogs to the bathroom down the hall and misses JJ’s continuation:

“God, am I that lonely, Garcia?” she asked with a self-deprecating little laugh. “He’s just a _dog_. And a really good one at that…Emily doesn’t even like dogs that much and I’m sure she’d love him.” She drops her gaze when Penelope gives her the sad, sympathetic smile she always does when JJ mentions Emily and the pain in her voice is still noticeable.

Emily had been alone when she entered the bathroom and she was glad for it because being caught sobbing in the bathroom of an FBI building in the middle of the day was pretty much the opposite of the image she was trying to project. Everything was spiraling out of control. She had been getting a little better about being able to look at JJ directly without feeling like a knot in her throat was going to choke her, but _fuck_ she practically had a _kid_ with this guy now. They were moving fast, so fucking fast, but it made sense. Emily knew that once JJ fully comprehended that she deserved and could do better than her, there would be no stopping her attaining better. But it was different knowing something, even feeling something, and having that something confirmed in a real way. She wanted to wish that she and JJ had never gotten involved, that she had never fooled herself into thinking that she could be what JJ needed even for a little while. She _wanted_ to, but she never could.

Emily just wished it didn’t have to hurt so goddamn bad. The other woman had almost always been the one to end things with her. She was entirely used told she wasn’t enough, cheated on, lied to, resented…and yeah, all that hurt, of _course_ it had hurt, but nothing like this. She had done the right thing, mostly for JJ, but partially to save herself the pain of JJ being like the others and somehow the right thing ended up being _more_ painful.

For over two months, the tragic comedy plays out. JJ is still so desperately in love with Emily, but she doesn’t know how to tell her or even if she _should_ tell her. They were getting better…well, that was relative, they weren’t getting _worse_. They were in this space with each other where they were more than acquaintances but less than friends and neither knew what to do about it; both not realizing that the entire situation was utterly and unequivocally pointless, so they just kept dancing around each other in confusion and uncertainty.

The team was trudging tiredly through Quantico to their cars parked in the garage after getting back from a case that wasn’t exactly tough, but it had been unnecessarily long and everyone was ready to go home and sleep. In her exhausted state, the voice that usually screamed at JJ loud enough to not torture herself was drowned out entirely by her desire to find at least a precarious footing with her ex-girlfriend and she stopped Emily in front of her car to ask if she wanted to grab dinner with her. JJ knew she sounded more hopeful than she should, but she was too tired to care about that. She’d been trying to work up the nerve to ask about meeting up outside of work, just the two of them, for long enough that the relief she felt over getting the question out overrode any self-recrimination she might have normally felt that her tone was less platonic-hopeful than she would have liked.

Emily is starving, but she’s running on fumes and isn’t sure she could go to dinner with JJ and hear her talk about Will who she’s always talking to and his son she’s always taking care of and apparently is totally enamored by. It’s hard enough to bite her tongue at work and she just wants to get some takeaway in her stomach and pass out for the next ten hours so she claims she’s not that hungry and politely declines with a mildly sincere offer for a rain check.

JJ smiles tightly with a nod and it’s convincing enough, but she’s heartbroken. She’d been trying her best to hide the fact that she’s still very much in love with the brunette and try to work on being friends, but it seems more and more like Emily wants no part in that and that was a pain so raw she could feel it physically. JJ decides to make herself go to dinner anyway, knowing that if she went straight home that there was no way she was going to eat. She stopped by a hole in the wall Chinese restaurant she used to frequent with Emily when they’d been dating. It hadn’t been a conscious choice, she was just in desperate need for some comfort food and as she was leaving with a plastic bag stuffed full of her orders, she almost literally ran into Emily who was entering the restaurant.

“Oh,” JJ said as she stepped backwards into the restaurant so they could clear the doorway. “I thought you weren’t hungry.” The statement is casual and unaccusatory but deep down JJ is incredibly disappointed. She had managed to convince herself on the way over that Emily was, in fact, not actually hungry and hadn’t been trying to brush her off but now it was clear how things were and how things were going to be from now on.

Emily shifts her weight awkwardly, wondering why the universe seemed to detest her so very much. She truly wanted to say anything other than what came out of her mouth: “I was afraid you’d bring your boyfriend or something.” She assumed she had meant the statement as just that, a statement. A neutral kind of ‘I don’t have the energy for other people right now’ tone that most of them understandably had directly after a case, but it wasn’t neutral. She’d practically spit the sentence out, the underlying hurt very nearly masked by the annoyance in her voice.

Her annoyance grows into actual anger as the hurt ebbs away when JJ just stares at her confusedly like she has no earthly idea what Emily is talking about and Emily can’t take it anymore. She’s tired of JJ sneaking around with Will while allowing herself to look at her with those stupid watery doe-eyes that makes Emily want to give in. She knows that look, she fucking knows because she’d been through it more than once. That ‘I’m with someone else but they don’t have to know’ look. That ‘when I say I miss you I mean I miss fucking you’ look. That ‘if you never see me with the other person you can pretend it’s not serious and that makes it easier for me to do what I want with you’ look. JJ standing there looking at her like that made something inside Emily snap and she doesn’t give a shit that her voice is loud enough to draw attention to them when she speaks again.

“Real cute, Jayje.” Emily seethes, not caring that JJ takes a small surprised step away from her. God, she could have dealt with this much better from _anyone_ but JJ. “You’ve _been_ with him! You’re talking to him all the time, I’ve seen you together! Jesus, JJ, you’ve taken care of his _kid_ on a few weekends! Do you think I wouldn’t fucking know? You think you can just ask me to,” she cuts herself off and balls a fist at her side. She can’t even finish the thought. She doesn’t want to believe that _JJ_ would do this to her, she broke it off before this could happen and yet here they were.

In the back of her mind, JJ is embarrassed because Emily was making a scene; most of the eyes in the crowded space were fixed on the free show they were now providing. JJ’s voice is calm but her anger is undeniable when she says, “Will and I are _not_ together, Emily.” Her voice is flat and betrays none of the hurt she feels.

Emily rolls her eyes. “Sure, whatever.”

JJ watched her stalk angrily out of the restaurant and before she could get a hold of herself, she was crying and she was _beyond_ mortified when a waiter touched her elbow to ask if she was alright.

When she got home, JJ spent most of the night wanting so badly to call Emily and explain but she was _furious_. How could Emily lose it like that and yell at her in front of all those people when she didn’t even know what was going on? Did she assume that JJ was in the habit of getting over people by getting under someone else? She was pissed and didn’t think that was the best state to have that conversation in so she decided to sleep on it and hopefully she’d have the words in the morning.

The next morning, JJ might have actually been angrier than when she was when she went to bed. She couldn’t even look at Emily at work and unlike her usual reasons for keeping their interactions short; JJ went out of her way to not interact with her at all. Everyone sensed the distressing tension and when JJ is in her usual spot in Garcia’s office for lunch, Penelope pesters JJ about what’s going on between them until she annoys JJ to the point where she spits out “I’m not and I would _never_ , but Emily thinks she _knows_ I’m fucking Will!” her volume rising with every word as she was consumed by a fresh wave of anger.

Emily felt like a jackass. That had been exactly the situation she had wanted to avoid but what had been the point in getting mad at JJ for doing what was normal? What was natural? She’d put unrealistic expectations on the blonde and then had the gall to get upset when she couldn’t meet them. Blowing up like that at her, especially in public, had been uncalled for and she needed to apologize. She’d made her way to Garcia’s office where JJ had been spending her lunch breaks since Emily had dumped her (judging from the pitying glances Garcia shot her way every once in a while, JJ was probably gushing about Will most of the time) but as she neared the tech goddesses door, she heard JJ’s perturbed voice float angrily through the air and slap her right in the face: “she _knows_ I’m fucking Will!”

Emily was so over this shit. The searing pain rattling around her heart was nothing compared to the ire that flooded through her. At least all the others had the decency not to lie about what things were once they’d been called out. Emily felt like JJ was punishing her for wasting so much of her time in their relationship. She wasn’t sure who she hated more: JJ for lying to her and punishing her for her selfishness, herself for ever thinking this relationship would be different than any other, or her stupid traitorous heart that couldn’t seem to make an effort towards not being hopelessly in love with JJ. She didn’t even care what kind of expression Morgan saw on her face as she turned around to find him frowning at her. She just shoved him aside, ignoring him calling her name and stalked back to her desk; feigning some plausible sickness bolstered by the fact that she’d looked worse for the wear for months. She headed home to ride out the weekend in miserable peace, not knowing that Morgan had quickly put together what had happened in the hall and what had probably been happening for the last three months and had swiftly pushed himself into Garcia’s office, determined to do anything he could to help what was clearly an unholy mess.

JJ was angry. No, that was the understatement of the century. JJ was _livid_. Livid that Emily embarrassed her and that she could _possibly_ think that she would be able to get over Emily in just a couple months. How dare she anyway? Emily dumped _her_. JJ had frequently cried so hard when she was alone that she made herself sick. She had often cried to the point where there weren’t even any actual tears, just loud sobbing and shaking shoulders and wishing water would just fucking come out of her eyes already because at least then she could release some of the pain. Fuck Emily. She hated that brutal, heartless bitch.

JJ knew that last thought was nowhere near remotely true, but she felt good thinking it for that brief second. She was absolutely mad at Emily, but up until the restaurant she had really started to believe that Emily had fallen out of love with her and had been avoiding her and their interactions were strained because Emily was completely aware that JJ still loved her. Loved her _deeply_ , and Emily had felt uncomfortable with that; and probably a little guilty. But no, now JJ knew with crystal clarity that it was insecurity. Emily and her fucking insecurities and her low self-worth and JJ is angry for other reasons now. Angry that Emily didn’t talk to her about it. Angry that Emily presumed to know what was best for her, for both of them, and forcing an answer to a question that hadn’t even been asked; that JJ didn’t want. Angry that Emily so very easily believed that JJ could possibly want anyone other than her and that she’d fall into bed with anyone who showed interest.

She thinks ‘fuck Emily’ like a bitter mantra but JJ’s could feel her heart break further because she knew Emily was terrified of what they had, of how amazing they could be, of how undeserving she felt of her own happiness that didn’t have any qualifications or strings attached to it that she felt the need to destroy it instead of accept it.

She’s tired and infuriated that Emily’s insecurities prey on her low self-worth by making JJ the inevitable destroyer of feelings, the saboteur of both of their happiness’. JJ’s mad that Emily let herself think that what they had was _anything_ like her past relationships, that _JJ_ was anything like the women who had deeply hurt and betrayed Emily. Mad at the people who had caused Emily to think in such a way to do this to herself. To them.

JJ didn’t even bother calling Emily. Fuck Emily, she’d never pick up the phone anyway. Not after Morgan had caught her frozen outside Garcia’s office door looking enraged and stomping away the moment she’d spotted him. If he hadn’t urgently interrupted JJ mid-rant, she and Emily would’ve probably continued this foolishness to the point where they were both horrifically miserable for no reason.

JJ went straight to Emily’s condo after getting restless at home and knocked angrily on the door. Her only response was hearing the volume on the stereo go up so she knocked again. Pounded, really. The longer the door went unanswered, the angrier she felt. She wasn’t going to let things end this way. She couldn’t.

“Emily Prentiss,” she shouted at the closed white door loud enough to be heard on the other side (and probably on the other floor). “I’m knocking on this fucking door as a kindness so if you don’t open it, I’m coming in anyway.” JJ didn’t care if she was bothering the neighbours which she probably was since it was after midnight. She had wanted to calm down before she went over there, which was why she went home after work. She’d wanted to let the offense boil over until she could deal with the situation more calmly, but it was clear that after a few hours that tranquility was not in her future and every moment she spent at home was one that put distance between them.

JJ reached into her pocket to pull out the spare keys that Emily had neglected to ask for and JJ had neglected to give her. The music that was filtering muffled through the door went silent and when Emily finally opened the door, her face was completely blank. Though totally devoid of any kind of expression, Emily’s eyes were swollen, red, and glassy with what seemed to be fresh tears. JJ didn’t let herself be swayed by the sight and though Emily was partially blocking the door in an effort to keep her out, JJ charged inside, pushing lightly against Emily’s chest to force her further inside as well.

“Fuck you, Emily!” JJ fumed once she pushed the door closed behind her. “You’re a real piece of shit, you know that?” she wasn’t sure what kind of reaction she’d been expecting out of Emily, but it wasn’t what she did which was shrug slightly and look away, total and unquestioning acceptance on her face.

That just made JJ angrier. “No; you don’t get to look away from me and you don’t get to look like _your_ life is over, do you hear me?” She shouldn’t have been yelling, she really should have waited to calm down but goddammit she’s _mad_. Emily was going to throw it all away for nothing, Emily couldn’t trust her, trust _them_ and JJ can’t hold it in.

Emily crossed her arms over her chest with her shoulders slumped like she was trying to protect herself. “What do you want, JJ?” she sounded weak and exhausted. Resigned. JJ wasn’t having any of it.

“I _want_ you to stop being such a martyr, you asshole!” the continued volume and vehemence in JJ’s voice makes the brunette startle and step back slightly. “How fucking _dare_ you, Emily! How dare you think so little of me and what I feel for you!”

That woke something up inside Emily and she straightened her shoulders, her arms dropped to her sides with her fists clenched and she took a heavy step forward into JJ’s personal space. “How dare _I_?” she was just as loud as the blonde had been. Just as angry. “Are you kidding me right now?” she laughed humourlessly. “How long did you wait before hooking up with that backwater alligator wrangler, _Jennifer_? How long did it take you to forget me and your ‘feelings’?! Was it a whole fucking week, or that night?”

JJ felt a hot burst of pain sear through her; that had been one of the worst days of her life. Hot on the heels of the hurt, even before it had a chance to fully settle, came the anger and JJ’s hand flew on its own, connecting hard and loud against Emily’s face. Emily’s head snapped to the side with the force of the blow and when she turned back to JJ, there was blood in her mouth from where her lower lip had split slightly.

Emily spit the mouthful of watery blood onto her own floor. It would probably stain. She didn’t give a shit. The way JJ had reacted to their break up…Emily knew what she’d said was wildly out of line and she’d deserved the slap but she couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge that so she got mad instead. JJ had clearly come over to say some kind of piece and Emily just wanted her gone to nurse her wounds in peace. “What the hell do you want from me?”

“I _love_ you, you ignorant bitch!” JJ shouted back at her. She was either so angry she’d started crying, or hurt and despair had married within her, but either way there were rivers of tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Go back to Will and his son, Jennifer.” Emily said. She was quiet now and her posture deflated like a balloon with a hole in it. She sounded way past having given up and that was precisely the way she felt. All she wanted to do was lay down on the couch, cry, and try to put everything behind her. She ran a shaky hand over her face with a sigh. “I don’t know what kind of fight you and Will got into but, just go back to him. _Please_.” The last word was a broken plea. Emily couldn’t do this. Couldn’t be the person JJ ran to and used when things were tough. She’d been used to that and had done it plenty of times but she couldn’t do it with Jennifer.

JJ ran a hand through her hair and she was shaking so badly she was nearly visibly vibrating. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. “No, I’m not going to let you do this. Not to me, not to you, and sure as hell not to us.” Her voice was at a reasonable volume but she still sounded angry and Emily honestly didn’t want to hear whatever she was going to say next. She felt like JJ was going to talk to her about open relationships or something ‘just between them;’ it wouldn’t have been the first time an ex had said as much but it would certainly be the last. She didn’t have the energy to be angry anymore. She was sad and broken and just wanted this to be over. Emily was absolutely swearing off relationships after this. For good. She’d never been enough for anyone and it was pointless to keep trying just to be punished for it. Get some and get gone. Fuck everyone, but especially fuck JJ.

“Will doesn’t _have_ a son, Emily.” JJ said, her voice exasperated and holding an edge of begging for comprehension.

“I fucking _heard_ you, JJ!” Emily’s volume made up for the lack of it in JJ’s voice and she was angry again because it was less painful than the ache she felt. “I heard how nervous you were to watch his son for the first time! How you take care of him sometimes. I’ve seen you out with Will! I hear you on the phone with him all the time when we’re at work. I don’t know what the fuck you want from me, Jennifer, but just _take it_ and get the fuck out!”

JJ started laughing but it was obvious she wasn’t amused. She was laughing so she wouldn’t scream in frustration. “Henry is Will’s _dog_ , Emily! A yellow lab that people jokingly call his son because he’s so damn attached to him. You’ve seen me out with Will and talking to him so much because he’s been there for me! He’s been the closest friend I have that isn’t attached to you somehow who’s been helping me through the pain of losing _you_ , Emily!” She jabbed a finger at the air in front of Emily.

“Yes, he wanted me at one point but we’ve _just_ been friends once he figured out he and I were _never_ going to happen because I love _you_. It’s always _been_ you and God fucking help me for this, but it will always _be_ you!” she had started to get loud again when Emily’s expression slipped into incredulity. “You’re so insecure that you can’t even see how much I _need_ you, how much I want you, how much this _needless_ bullshit has broken us. Broken me. You fucked up, Emily. You fucked up so bad and I am _never_ going to forget this and I’ve been going out of my fucking mind without you. So tell me again, tell me you don’t love me, Emily. Say it like you mean it.”

Emily swallowed the sob building in her throat. Didn’t this whole situation just prove her original point? That she was no good for JJ? That JJ could and should do better than her? How could she have messed things up so completely unless she’d been right? She bit down on the split in her lip for a second, giving herself motivation. “I don’t love you.” Her voice was firm and confident but she wasn’t looking at JJ. She wouldn’t meet her eyes. Emily hadn’t _actually_ looked at JJ when she’d broken up with her either but JJ understandably hadn’t noticed then.

The serious believability in the way Emily said it stung, but JJ wasn’t going to let her get away with it this time. “No, _look_ at me and tell me you don’t love me.” She demanded, her tone making absolutely no room for argument.

Emily does look, and when she met JJ’s gaze, she could see all the love and longing and devotion on the blonde’s face underneath the anger and hurt and she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t say it and look at her at the same time and Emily broke down. She’s heaving great wracking sobs, hiccupping loudly with the effort to keep breathing and Emily dropped to the floor where she stood because her legs had given out under the weight of her internal pain.

“I love you, Jennifer; I love you.” She managed to get out around her tears. “I love you and I’m so sorry, but I can’t.” she tried to take in a gulping breath which stuttered in her throat. “You can see now, can’t you? That I can never make you truly happy. You deserve that. I,” she took another shaky breath. “I don’t deserve you and I don’t know if I ever did.”

JJ dropped to the floor next to Emily and gathered the brunette in her arms which only made Emily start to cry again and try to push herself out of the younger woman’s grasp but JJ’s hold is strong. When she stopped struggling, JJ pulled back just far enough to lightly grip Emily’s face between her hands to force the brunette to look at her. “Fuck you, Emily.” She said, brushing her thumbs across Emily’s cheeks. “You don’t get to tell me that you don’t deserve me. _We_ deserve each other and I’m not going to let you throw that away because other people hurt you. I’m not _them_ , I’m not and you can’t treat me like I am. I promise you that I’m never going to forget this.”

Emily isn’t terribly certain that she’d ever cried so much at one time but she could feel fresh tears well up along with the best thing she’d ever had slipping away from her and it was entirely her fault. Emily was so overwhelmed that darkness consumed her vision and she honestly blacked out for a few seconds. She was surprised when she felt JJ’s lips hard against hers and she’s sure that it was a final goodbye because how could she ask JJ to forgive her? When she dared to open her eyes, JJ’s face looks more serious than Emily had ever seen her.

“I’m never going to forget this,” JJ repeated, her voice determined. “But neither are you, Em. If we just forgive and forget, it’s going to happen again and that’s the last thing _either_ of us wants. We are going to fucking work on this because I _refuse_ to let you throw us away; do you hear me?”

Emily nodded and felt like she was going to black out with relief but sudden terror gripped her as a doubtful voice in her head decided that she could have been misinterpreting things but she wasn’t sure how to ask, afraid of the answer and afraid of voicing the question in concrete terms. “Jennifer?” she said JJ’s name as the question instead. A broken, pained, hopeful, apologetic question.

“You’re stuck with me, asshole.” JJ replied lightly, teasingly; and she was crying again, her voice laced with residual anger but overwhelmingly full of love. Emily opened her mouth to apologize but JJ shook her head and whispered, “not now” and then they were kissing again, meeting each other halfway. It hurts Emily’s lip and she was sure JJ must have the taste of her blood on her tongue and they’re on the cold wooden slated floor between the living room and the kitchen and Emily pulled JJ closer to her as the blonde sighed and pressed her weight into the other woman. Tears well behind Emily’s closed lids because she almost destroyed them both, but JJ was right. Neither of them were going to forget this and Emily knew with complete surety that even though she had a lot of issues to work through, JJ would be there every step of the way and she would _never_ question how right they were together for the rest of her days.


End file.
